Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I feel I've aged 10 years since last Friday. I've never had to go through what I did this past weekend. Face the moment of telling someone goodbye... telling them all I could and how much they meant to me.
I'm not sure if it's worse knowing you have to say goodbye or not.
The thought of saying the "g" word makes me sick. All weekend long the only thing I was silently questioning was, "If this were the last time you were to ever see me, what would you tell me? What would you say to me?"
Granted I didn't verbally ask anyone this, but it really was the question that went through my mind with each person I spoke to...
I'm sure no one noticed my awkward pause, but I still thought it...
Then I wondered, "Does it made a difference?"
When I spent time with Mrs. B I was constantly praying it would not be the last time we spoke. I would lay there just silent when I should have been talking. But I had too much to say that I couldn't even figure out where to begin...
How do you tell someone whose had one of the greatest impacts on your life how you feel about them?
She's by far my most favorite teacher, my friend, my encourager, my help when I'm struggling, my voice of reason when certain things in life aren't making sense, my role model, my challenger, she's who I picture myself as when I'm older.
I want to do something in my life that will be completely spectacular! I know I can because God will do it for me. I want to travel the world! I want to travel to help people.
I want to meet the amazing people in this world who know they have a purpose far greater than what they set for themselves... I once had a conversation with a friend about what we wanted from life... and how passionate we were about what we wanted to do and use the gifts God gave us and even if we really weren't that good and we weren't the best we knew we would still succeed because we were believing in our love for that thing so much that no matter how good we were we would be great because our excitement for it made it so alive and so real and contagious that people would want to learn and not only learn about that thing but take it and apply it to their lives and see it how we see it and love it how we love it and not for what it is but what is in us.
Mrs. B, this is because of you!
I love art more than I ever did because of you. I want to be an art teacher because of you. I want to encourage kids to be who ever and whatever they want only because they have the burning passion to do it! Art related or not. I want to teach kids that, being unique is the best part about them. I want to take students on adventures and teach them new perspectives all because of you! You've opened my eyes to a way of viewing life and enjoying every single moment of it in ways that people forget matter.
Always live joyously, even when it hurts.
Never stop creating.
Don't strive as much.
Be who you are.
Take more chances.
Don't text and drive.
Think... Is this something Mrs. B would do?
You have to finish the Buckeye Trail and I want to finish it with you!
We have to still do iHop or Bobs every time I come back to town.
We still have that hot tub/painting date we've been trying to have for years.
You have to go to Kenya with me!
You have to be there so I can introduce you to my first art class.
You have to help me paint my first house.
You have to be at my wedding.
You have to be around to draw my first baby.
Mrs. B, you just have to make it...
There's still far too much we have to do together... I can't lose you yet. I just can't.
God, please don't take her home yet. Please, please, please, please, please, I beg you! Please God, I just beg you. Allow me to be selfish just this once. Please let it be okay just this time that I want what I want more than what you want.