Can't Hate without Love

I feel I have so much to say in this moment, after all, I still have every word of Taylor's new Album, RED, running through my mind, but what has made my thoughts pause is me going back a year ago.

A year ago... I was preparing to go to Kenya. In fact I was nearly 3 weeks away. We had snow (yes, in October!!). I was just a week away from hearing some of the most devastating news I'd heard in a really long time.

It was a Friday morning, just after 9 am. I was anticipating getting my work done early and taking off for the long drive home to see my family before I left for Kenya. Instead, Mrs. B texted me. I figured she wanted to meet up for breakfast [as we always did when I was home], but in short she was telling me her quick goodbyes and that she was dying.

I mean we all feel its awful to learn things through text message.

Breaking up through text - Lame.

Finding out game scores - Painful.

Getting a text not to bother coming back to work - Embarrassing.

Finding out the 2nd most influential person in your life is dying - Blinding. Striking. Gut-wrenching. Awful.

I made the trip home to negligently say "goodbye".

I hated it. Yet loved it.

 

I hated spending final moments with her.

I loved she wanted to spend final moments with me.

 

I hated her saying "last words".

I loved it knowing it came from such a deep and treasuring place in her heart. a place where those feelings are kept as secrets, only expressed through years of togetherness.

 

I hated it because it made me cry.

I loved it because it made me cry.

 

I hated it because I didn't want to prepare to continue my life without her in it.

I loved it because she shared as she always had, knowing how much of my life I was living and what I had done right, what she valued about our friendship, and me, and learning who God really is.

 

I hated it because in this very moment I realize I cry like both my mom AND my dad and let me tell you, neither one is pretty, especially collaborated into one cry.

I love being like my parents. 

 

I hated it because I wasn't ready to have such a huge part of me feel alone, to start over, to re-confide in someone else as I had in her.

Yet, I still loved it, because I still, in that moment, had her.

I loved God for it more. God was so gracious to have allowed her to be in my life, now 9 years.

Yes, NOW, 9 years.

 

.:: a far off britt ::.